Eating Loss

I've always been the type that stresses for other people's lack of time management. When I watch people do things last minute, I cringe. I am the type of person that, when a project is due on a Monday, I will try to finish it on the Friday. If it's due on the Friday, it must at the very least be done by Thursday night. I cannot handle the stress of still working on something five minutes before it's due while fearing that it won't be done on time. (Yeah, I know, a load of fun to be with....)

When I'm in a relationship with someone, I have the habit of taking on their responsibility like it's my own. I hate having people work around my schedule, and i hate being the cause of anyone having to wait for me or cancel something because of me...and if I am a part of whatever time-management disaster that's happening, even if it is not my fault, i will stress. And the stress that adds to the existing stress is that i hate nagging. So if I see someone mis-managing their time, I'm stressed because they're mis-managing, and also because i feel a need to nag and i dont want to do it.

I think the most memorable incident that made me realize this was when I was in Seattle at the end of Adam's coop workterm. The plan was that his parents are going to drive to Seattle from Vancouver to pick us up. Adam was supposed to have packed all his things by the time his parents are here and we should be ready to drop off his rental car, get in the car, and leave.

For the entire week, before his parents arrival, I was nagging him to pack his stuff, offering to help him, provided that he tells me what he's going to keep, and what he's not. He was too busy. So the night before his parents came, we were scrambling to get him packed. The next day, his entire family waited for him all day until he was done packing and finishing running errands for his departure from Seattle.

The irony of this all was that he wasn't upset about making his family wait and no one in his family was upset about having to wait for him. The only person who was upset and stressed out throughout the entire ordeal was me. I was beyond angry with him about making his parents wait and about, frankly, waiting until last minute to do things. I absolutely despised that.

You would think that after learning no one else in the situation was upset, I would realize that stressing about things that were not my problem is stupid. But I don't. Throughout our relationship, this type of situation probably happened a million times. I'd be angry at him for not doing things at the time he said he would, or having to cancel on someone or something because he failed to have done earlier whatever it was that made him cancel.

Sometimes I think it's a guy thing, y'know. There are a couple of guys I know that seem to have this problem. They're good at doing things that are "important" on time, but when it comes to the little things in life that, to them, has room for readjustment, they will take advantage of it.

Not to say that I don't procrastinate...of course, I do; who doesn't? But I think fundamentally, the grey area is what is valued at being important for each of us. I am sure that I have procrastinated things in a way that pissed off someone else, who has a even more stringent timeline than I do.

The real issue for me here is two-fold:

1. I take on the stress of someone else's mistake when it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel bad about someone cancelling someone else because of me if it's not my fault
   Why make a mountain out of a molehill when no one else cares and it doesn't affect me? I get it. I'll work on that.
   But what if I am the person that gets affected, do I still have the right to get upset?
2. I volunteer to short-change myself because I am taking on someone else's stress (e.g., I can do the dishes if you have a lot of work to do at work, even though you played fooseball all day at work).
   This is probably especially bad for those around me, as Adam has told me many times that when I cut someone slack when I don't really want to, that someone will end up paying for the slack I cut later on anyway (i.e., him).

But #2 is slightly in the grey zone still. You have to cut someone slack sometimes for messing up their time management right? Sometimes a person will cancel on you or shed a responsibility making you have to take it on because they messed up. If it happens a lot, why wouldn't I get upset? If it happens just enough to irritate me, should I get upset?

Ok, yes, I realize this. Being upset is no good in general. Both my mom and Adam have told me that I get upset at these things because I put too much emphasis on fairness. "It's not fair that I have to do the dishes because you slacked off all day at work."

In life, there's no such thing as fairness, or so everyone else tells me. There is a concept in chinese called "eating loss" (吃虧). It's a very complex concept with a lot of implications,bBut put simply, the phrase can be used, really, any time when you feel like you've been short-changed on a situation. So the phrase can be used as such: "I hate going out with John because no matter what we do, I always have to eat the loss" (e.g., he's always taking advantage of me.)

When I was growing up, my mom used to teach me this adage all the time, any time I felt indignant: "Eating loss is the same as taking advantage" (吃虧就是佔便宜). It's a very buddhism-laced adage, as with most wisdoms in Chinese.

Being taken advantage of is the same as taking advantage? Honestly, it barely makes any sense reading it right now, how would it have made any sense to a five-year old child who is upset because your mom made you share your candy with your brother after he dropped his on the floor?

I won't get into how this phrase eventually made sense to me. But this phrase has also made me realize that the difference between fairness and pettiness is divided by a thin line. When you are eating the loss and you are complaining about being fair, according to Buddha or Confuscious, you're probably being petty.

So NTS:
1. don't be petty: cut people slack and be okay with it, it's okay to eat the loss for people you care about
2. don't stress about things that have nothing to do with you.

You can't control what other people do, and it's stupid to be upset at something you can't control. Logically,being upset at what other people do is stupid. All you can do is cut slack, be kind, and maintain an open-communication, especially when I know others are doing the same for me.