Second Pregnancy: still Week 11ish

according to the ultrasound i'm technically in week 10 because my cycle was longer but i'm leaving this at week 11.

Last pregnancy, as we went along, i would discover little things that are symptoms from pregnant every couple of weeks as i read about them or experience them, things like having your nose run the whole time, your feet growing bigger and not going to come back down, baby taking calcium from your teeth so you can lose a teeth if you dont keep up the calcium intake, and so and on.

I really thought that i know it all now and that whatever horrifying shit i experience in the first pregnancy would be the MOST i would experience for the second kid, but i couldn't be more wrong. I mean, the fact that i can no long stomach food is a lot worse than my last pregnancy. i also heard of people saying smells really bother them, so with this pregnancy, the smell bothering me was new to me, but not to my connaisance. Same with being feeling really tired and sleepy. i've heard of it, but didnt experience it, until now. What is completely new to me though, is the hot and cold flashes im experiencing on a day to day basis. i am so hot in one moment i am having, and then i would have the chills and freeze. This alternates every couple of hours thorugh out the night and through out the day. I look online and people are saying this is also normal. I don't wanna find out what other new crap im going to have to experience that i have no idea existed for pregnant women.


Life really isn't fair. Why do women have to go through this crap?

Second Pregnancy: Week 11

The past week has been hellish for me. I was puking so much and in so much pain that i've finally decided to medicate myself since i couldnt even eat anything for two days and was still puking out bile. I'm taking metoclopramide right now three times a day, which is also is used for cancer patients. I started taking it yesterday and im already feeling a lot better today. i can actually stomach food!

On Monday, i went to see a second OB that's 100% attached to a semi-private maternity hospital and he explained to me that his fees are going to be 1200-1400 EUR, but i wont be able to find out the fees for the hospital until after i had my first trimester scan and make an appointment with ste felicite thereafter.

He recommended that i go to a private clinic for the scan if i want the info sent directly to him, but if i wanted to reserve my spot at Necker (the public hospital), i would need to be doing my scans at necker. It's a bit of a weird dilemma for me because part of the reason why i wanted to go private was because i wanted to make things easier this time, but instead i feel like im making this a lot harder because there are too many choices and paperwork to do.

If i go private, i will need to figure out how to extract my files from necker from my previous pregnancies and all my scans, and then after i give birth, i need to follow up with insurance for all the payments. Whereas last time, with Necker, they take care of everything for you and there was very little i needed to do. There was so little that i needed to do that i had no idea what was going on half of the time, and this time i just wanna know. In addition, after going into ste felicite, you can palpably feel the difference between a private and public ward. every patient at ste felicite was carrying brand name handbags (ha!) and super well coiffed. One lady was even carrying an YSL Sac du Jour (3k bag). Anyway the hospital overall is just cleaner and more airy. 

My flight to toronto for Jay's wedding was supposed to be today. i didn't make it. i feel so tired.

Second Pregnancy - Still Week 10ish

So last Friday, Caleb's stupid team decided it would be a good idea to hold a team meeting in California mid October. I freaked out a bit when i found out. My mom is leaving on Oct 4. and that means i would have to take care of turbo all by myself. It's very possible that by then i will feel a lot better than i do now but given how it was with the last pregnancy it's really hard to say. i cannot imagine having to wake up early, change him, make him breakfast, take him to daycare, go to work, rush to pick him up, feed him dinner, bathe him etc etc etc all alone while being super sick. i can't even get myself downstairs and i have been hiving everyday.

So then it was decided after some discussions that he would take Turbo with him, but he would go for two weeks instead to california. and then it was decided yesterday that they would leave earlier - the same time as my mom. This means that they all leave me on oct 4th and then Caleb doesnt come back until Oct 19th. I feel so helpless. After my mom heard, she suggested that i go back to toronto instead for those two weeks with her.

i looked it up on the calendar and realized that i was already supposed to be in toronto from 26th to the 1st (so i wont see turbo for five days, and then another two weeks two days later). That's way too much for me. In addition, if i go back to toronto on the 26th, i would be back for two days and then ihave to fly again back to toronto - that's a bit too much considering i dont even want to fly once. Also my ticket to toronto for he 26th is basic economy so non-refundable anyway. In addition, i have an ultrasound for my 12th week booked for oct 3rd!

So my options are basically this:

1. Go back to toronto for the wedding for four days, come back and be alone in paris for two weeks, not see my son for the wedding week and for 2 weeks hes in cali.
• i dont want to not see Turbo for so long
• i dont want to be lonely...i think...or maybe it won't be so bad?
2. Miss the wedding, go back to toronto for the two weeks my husband and kid is gone, so i wont be alone and sad
• so many people will be at the wedding that i havent seen for so long, and i'll be so sad to miss it
• i RSVP'ed already, so it's pretty shitty to not say im not going
• ticket is non-refundable
3. go back to toronto for the wedding, come back for two days, get my ultrasound, and then fly back to toronto for two weeks
• i'll miss turbo for a long time
• too much flying

I really need to decide soon since ticket prices are going up. This really sucks.

Second Pregnancy: Week 10

Well technically i'm actually only in week 9. Went to the doctor's on Friday and based on ultrasound, butterball was only conceived around the 27th or 28th of July (my cycle is longer) so s/he is still a tiny thing.

The main thing that hit me when the news hit was that, shit, how much longer is this stupid sickness going to last if i am only at week 8 last week?! For almost the entirety of last week, i puked at least once a day, sometimes twice, and one day it was almost all day. I thought it was passing but it just got worse. Surprisingly, after coming back from the doc's, the pain has subsided a bit. Sat was a little better, yesterday was not too bad - only puked once in the morning, and this morning, after about 1 min if nonstop churning and gagging my guts, ive felt a lot less pain than i have for the last 5 weeks. I dont know if this is going to last, but today was the first day i accomplished some housework (did the laundry).

The ob i went to on friday suggested that i stick with Necker public hospital as i had done with Callan. i fully had plans to go semi-private this time around because i wanted to be able to communicate better and understand what is going on, but the doc said he can continue to follow me throughout the pregnancy (he charges 100 EUR a session) and because of my emergency c-section, it's better for me to stick with Necker, who knows my history and has all my files. i think he has a fair point. next week, i have another appointment with another ob from the private hospital and see what he says.

I got to hear butterball's heartbeat on friday. i dunno why that always makes me teary even tho s/he's only 1.5cm in length...

=)

Second Pregancy: Week 9

At the beginnign of last week, i was starting to feel slightly better. I was gagging a little less throughout the day but everything else remained hard. On wednesday night, we needed to pack to go to amsterdam the next day and for some reason, maybe it was even the thought of having to go somewhere, or maybe there really was something wrong, i ended up feeling so sick that night and puked in the middle of the night and early morning. We made our way to the 10am train at gare du nord with not much fanfare thankfully and arrived there in tact. In fact, i was so super hungry by the time we got there that we bought five guys and i ate an entire small hamburger, some fries, and some shake! My brother arrived that evening and on friday and saturday, although i was not feeling great, i pushed myself to hang out with them. However, by Saturday night, after a long dinner and a nauseous train ride, i puked that night, and then the following day, three times. I ended up staying back at the apartment all of sunday, unable to do anything.

Monday was the day we were leaving and needed to clean up the whole apartment, but caleb had left and there was a lot to be done. My mom did 99% of the all the cleaning partly because i was feeling really terribly and partly just because i am a terrible daughter. i did the laundry and then we rushed ourselves to the trainstation. Unfortunately, during the rush, i broke out not only in terrible hives on my entire body, but was hit with angiodema. Nonstop sneezing, eyes and face swollen like a balloon. On the train, i just wanted to take all my clothes off and scratch scratch scratch. After 2x 10mg of cetirizine, i passed out the entire rest of the trip dizzy and tired. My mom looked after callan the entire time.

By the time we arrived home, i dont think i have ever felt this tired. i just layed on the couch and could not move and could not do anything. i was feel so nauseous. i went to bed early and slept for almost 10 hours and this morning, i was still nauseous. For the first time, i didnt make it to the bathroom in time for the puking and puked into my hands and leaked onto the floor. pretty damn gross.

Right now, i am feeling okay. the rock in my stomach seemed to have grown smaller and im jst a little bit nauseous. What is really bothering me this pregnancy is really all the smell. every smell gets to me. I can't even use my usual brand of Keri lotion now. i switched to scentless lotion that i can still smell. I cant wait until this is all over. Friday is my first appointment with the gynecologist. i am looking forward to hearing some confirmation on the pregnancy. i feel like it's always kinda weird before 12 weeks or before you actually hear the heartbeat because although you have high beta HCG to confirm the pregnancy, anythign could really happen until then, and it's nice to just hear someone confirm that there's a blueberry in your tummy that has a thumping heart.

Second Pregnancy: Week 8

I have to admit, i feel slightly better yesterday and today. By slightly, i mean, my stomach is not in PAIN all day long. I am still nauseous and i am still gagging with discomfort in my stomach all day, but it's not painful. I have threw up twice in the morning in the last two days, so i am wondering if that's what's actually helping?

My mother is tired of my ass at home. I spoke to my boss on Friday, who told me i can just do whatever makes me comfortable, which sometimes is a double-edged sword, because i feel also guilty doing nothing, so that doesnt make me comfortable. But Caleb and i agreed that i am not in the right state to go to the office and sitting in front of the computer for any period of time makes me really nauseous so i am trying to do what i can. A lot of my work these days are proactive rather than reactive. I have two people running one of the groups i am responsible for, and the other group i have no one, but has been slow. Another project i am running is being actually run by two senior directors above me so i have very little to do. i wish i can stop feeling guilty.

But going back to my mom. This morning, she made me sour-spicy soup, as i had requested the night before. A few weeks ago, i had a really awesome one at Yauatcha in india (The place has a michelin start in london) and for some reason i really wanted some. Well, my mom made it really differently, with a ton of stuff i cant stand right now, and then she made me second pot without all the stuff (Still not to my expectations) but now i have no appetite for it. She said she is tired of all the food lying around the house unfinished and me groaning and moaning around the house. She was like that with my last pregnancy - i was in toronto around the late 20s week mark and she was tired of me too, because i could not stop gagging and had a lot of eating restrictions. She keeps saying how no one she knows is like me and how i need to get my ass to the office or out of the hourse because thats how i will feel better.

But yesterday, i took callan out to the park and came back with hives all over me, and was very tired from holding back my gag when i was talking to another english speaking mom i ran into at the park. I went out yesterday because i was actually feeling slightly better, i am not entirely sure going out helped. Chicken or egg? Whatever.

Anyway with this pregnancy, for sure i have a lot more smell aversions. i dont recall from turbo. I cannot stand the smell of onions and most food smells make me a bit nauseous. Some chemical smells make me feel really bad, like the handsoap i love from bath and body works is making me ill. Same with my mom's facecream and the facewash in our bathroom. Not all the smells though, some of the smells calm me too. it's very strange. Most of the smell in this house makes me ill. including my own hair, and the outside air makes me ill. i have no place to go really.

I sleep a lot more this round too. i twas hard to sleep with turbo, but with butterball, i fall asleep quite often lying on the couch or in bed. i wake up feeling like crap though. there's a period between me trying to fall asleep and actually asleep where i feel pretty horrible and then the period after i wake up. being a sleep permanently seems to be my best state of being.

Hopefully tomorrow, caleb will take me to the clinic to get my blood test done, and then we can go to the office together. i am still not able to concentrate tho. i need reactive work.

Second Pregnancy: Week 7-8

A few people have asked me surprisingly how i was brave enough to go through with another pregnancy after how sick i was the first one, and whether if i had just forgotten how bad it was. I guess the answer is both yes and no. I recall wanting to stab my stomach, not being comfortable, and lying on the couch at moira watching friends because i couldnt get myself up to do anything. I remember everythign made me gag, even making my own popscicle didnt work. in fact, even looking at the popscicle maker made me sick.

And yet, i had forgotten what it was REALLY like and how fucking miserable i am. the other day, i told caleb i wanted to be run over by a truck, and he asked me forward or backwards..haha. i also told him i wish there was something that could incubate me and put me to sleep for eight months because im having trouble handling it.

I find it all more stressful this time around. i suppose it has to do with the fact that my first pregnancy, i spent the whole month of the worst puking in india. i vaguely remember after the first two weeks in india, the third and fourth i pushed myself to get into the office (i would puke there) and wouldnt get into the office until past 10am or maybe even 11am. 

This time, the first week i ended up being on "vacation". Vacation being in quotes is because we took the trip south of france and i wanted to do nothing. Andrew wanted to do nothing too, but carm wanted to do everything, so there was a bit of tension. I also feel super bad because ive been harassing everyone about coming to france for so long, and i am essentially an invalid when they get here. The week was miserable. i was tired and wanted to puke all the time and it was very stressful for me beacause i felt guilty about just wanting to lie in bed all day. But honestly, the guilt is not all that different from this week.

We got back from the south on sunday and i was supposed to go to sweden on monday night, come back wednesday for a two day training. i ended up not showing up to any of it and have been lying on the couch trying not to gag and watching big bang theory whenever i feel like gagging (which is all the time) to distract me and passting the time. it makes me feel so immensely guilty that i am not really working. To make matters worse, they moved my email account to 365 and it broke my outlook set up so i cant easily sort through my emails or figure out my calendar. in order to fix it i need to call someone from IT or go to the office, neither of which i am really up for. 

Next weekend, starting thursday,  i am supposed to go to amsterdam - all booked with my mom and my brother too. i do not have the energy to go. end of september i am supposed to go back to toronto for a wedding. i am very close to believing i am not going to make that wedding. I havent made it to the lab to get my blood test yet - i cant bear to walk 15 minutes to do this. i have these weird hives happening and the house is so flipping hot. i do not looking forward to amsterdam this weekend at all....

I have to say i really miss living at moira's. I haven't left the house for four days now. I'm backreading my pregnancy log and there were so many things around (and partly because i was often on my own), i would leave the house to run errands. Where i live now, the only thing thats near me is the grocery store across but my mom is cooking so i dont have to go. i have no drive the leave the house now since everything is a trek these days.

Second Pregnancy: Week 6

No one is probably reading this these days so i think it's safe to post here. But if you are still reading this because you have gotten a google notification that i'm posting again, you should totally just send me a message to say hello.

You see it in the post title - i'm preggers with #2 at 6 weeks at the moment - so too early for any congratulations. But i wanted to write this stuff down because i realized that i have forgotten all the stuff i am supposed to do whilst pregnant and coming back to this blog has actually helped me.

Last time i was pregnant, i had moira help me call necker to register me there and just went from there. This time, i have no moira next to me so im trying to do everything myself - and things are a bit uncertain.

I've mostly made up my mind that i want to go semi-private this time at ste felicite after hearing all the information about how wonderful they are, but i have not actually had any experiece or seen the hospital, or how much it costs. I tried getting an appointment with a fav doctor at ste felicite and his first appointment is either next week, where i will be in the south of france, or all the way on the 3rd of oct, which i found really frustrating. I realise that most of the first appointments in public hospitals isnt until week 12 anyway (necker gave me oct 2 at 9am) but i was hoping sem-private would give me more options. i tried calling around other doctors but because it's mid-aug no one is even picking up. Good stuff. I ended up calling Necker as a back up option and i also registered online at necker and at ste felicite to give me a peace of mind.

It's been hard with a toddler. Daycare is off right now and i was just in india for two weeks (longest i've ever been away from him) and he's extra clingy. Even writing this post, with caleb behind me doing stretches, and my mom in the kitchen, he still wants me to hold him and sit with me.

Speaking of india, it was a bit crazy on the last day with the throw up and the diarrhea. i have been having liquid bowel movements since the day i left india thursday (four days ago now). we are going to the south of france tomorrow. it's not great timing. i woke up in the middle of the night sitting on the toilet in great pain, which makes me wonder if it's going to affect the pregnancy. But there's no tmuch to do at the moment until i come back from south of france.

i feel a lot more anxious this time around, but less pukey - so far. but what makes it worse is now my 2 year old is screaming behind me in need of attention.