I turn 27 in January.
A couple generations ago, at age 27, people were already married for a few years and were having kids. Things seem to have been so easy back then, to find the right person, to be with the right person, and to have a family with the right person.
Or was it?
I guess the theory doesn't stand if you start accounting for all the divorces, and the billions of books on relationship published since the beginning of time.
I grew up in the suburbs and so did most of my friends. We're all about the same age, plus or minus one or two.
None of the people in my groups of friends are married. Some are in serious relationships but with no immediate plans of marriage. Some are in pseudo-serious relationships with no plans of marriage. Some are single.
Those who are single are looking. They deal with their uncertainty in many ways. Some are scared to let themselves take the plunge even when meeting the potentially right person. Some are dating serially in hopes of finding the right one soon. Some try to change themselves, some don't. Some lament about their lack of relationship status, some try not to think about it, some convince themselves that they are happy, some really are happy.
Those who are in pseudo-serious relationships are the ones who are settling. Some have convinced themselves that they are with the right person, even though deep down inside, they are still wondering whether the person they are with is the one. Some know they don't truly love the person and that there are problems, but they don't know what else to do. Some people are happy with settling. Some people are not. Some people are not even sure. But when you settle, everyone else around you can tell.
Admittedly, relationships aren't easy.
In fact, relationships are so complicated that there's just no right way of doing something. I didn't settle and I accepted the fact that I could be single for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who can settle, who wants to settle, and who needs to settle. And there are people who can't bear the fact of being alone. I dated around but I didn't sleep around. But that doesn't mean that there aren't people who don't date around and still found the right person. It also doesn't mean that if you sleep around you won't.
And then there's a difference between being in a happy relationship and being in love. I genuinely believe that you can be in a happy relationship without being in love, but it depends on your personality.
I'm no relationship expert, but here is my take on it...
A happy relationship, for me, is this:
- Self-knowledge. Understand yourself, know your strengths and flaws, and don't be greedy. Nothing in life will ever be perfect, but if you can figure out the best ratio for gain and compromise for you, and you alone, then it's easier to be happy.
- Commitment. Make sure you can commit to your decisions. If you decided to settle, don't question it and regret it. If you are going to question it and regret it, then don't settle and commit to not settling. If you're always flip-flopping in between, things will never be easy.
Love, for me, is this:
- Risk. To let yourself love, and be loved, is always always always a risk. Because you can wake up one day hurt and wounded. Because you can wake up one day alone, and regret never having settled for someone whom you did not love but would have kept you company forever.
- Luck. But luck comes to those who are prepared.
- Belief. Sometimes it's just blind faith that the right person will come along.
I honestly believe that we all have so much time still to find the right person, as long as we keep believing. Cheesy, I know, but I really mean it.
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