Second Pregnancy: Week 7-8

A few people have asked me surprisingly how i was brave enough to go through with another pregnancy after how sick i was the first one, and whether if i had just forgotten how bad it was. I guess the answer is both yes and no. I recall wanting to stab my stomach, not being comfortable, and lying on the couch at moira watching friends because i couldnt get myself up to do anything. I remember everythign made me gag, even making my own popscicle didnt work. in fact, even looking at the popscicle maker made me sick.

And yet, i had forgotten what it was REALLY like and how fucking miserable i am. the other day, i told caleb i wanted to be run over by a truck, and he asked me forward or backwards..haha. i also told him i wish there was something that could incubate me and put me to sleep for eight months because im having trouble handling it.

I find it all more stressful this time around. i suppose it has to do with the fact that my first pregnancy, i spent the whole month of the worst puking in india. i vaguely remember after the first two weeks in india, the third and fourth i pushed myself to get into the office (i would puke there) and wouldnt get into the office until past 10am or maybe even 11am. 

This time, the first week i ended up being on "vacation". Vacation being in quotes is because we took the trip south of france and i wanted to do nothing. Andrew wanted to do nothing too, but carm wanted to do everything, so there was a bit of tension. I also feel super bad because ive been harassing everyone about coming to france for so long, and i am essentially an invalid when they get here. The week was miserable. i was tired and wanted to puke all the time and it was very stressful for me beacause i felt guilty about just wanting to lie in bed all day. But honestly, the guilt is not all that different from this week.

We got back from the south on sunday and i was supposed to go to sweden on monday night, come back wednesday for a two day training. i ended up not showing up to any of it and have been lying on the couch trying not to gag and watching big bang theory whenever i feel like gagging (which is all the time) to distract me and passting the time. it makes me feel so immensely guilty that i am not really working. To make matters worse, they moved my email account to 365 and it broke my outlook set up so i cant easily sort through my emails or figure out my calendar. in order to fix it i need to call someone from IT or go to the office, neither of which i am really up for. 

Next weekend, starting thursday,  i am supposed to go to amsterdam - all booked with my mom and my brother too. i do not have the energy to go. end of september i am supposed to go back to toronto for a wedding. i am very close to believing i am not going to make that wedding. I havent made it to the lab to get my blood test yet - i cant bear to walk 15 minutes to do this. i have these weird hives happening and the house is so flipping hot. i do not looking forward to amsterdam this weekend at all....

I have to say i really miss living at moira's. I haven't left the house for four days now. I'm backreading my pregnancy log and there were so many things around (and partly because i was often on my own), i would leave the house to run errands. Where i live now, the only thing thats near me is the grocery store across but my mom is cooking so i dont have to go. i have no drive the leave the house now since everything is a trek these days.