The Institution of Marriage

For some odd reason, I feel that everywhere I turn nowadays, the talk of marriage is ubiquitous. I mean, yeah, last summer, I heard about people's weddings and attended some, which sparked some thoughts about marriage in my head, i.e., what type of wedding I would like, but the fleeting thoughts quickly turned into what am I going to eat tomorrow and will I be a bum for the rest of my life, etc. But as spring arrives and wedding season approaches, the talk of matrimony seems to be crawling in and not out of my life. You know, first I hear about my ex-boyfriend's wedding , then news of my semi-friends (people I sometimes hang out with but not often enough to attend their weddings) began to show up in my chat windows and next thing you know, the news consummates with pictures of engagements and weddings my Facebook home feed (excuse the pun, I couldn't help it). I hang out with Adam's cousins and it's all wedding talk, as one of them is getting married. It seems like even when I turn on the TV (by tv I mean ninjavideo.net), I somehow end up watching shows and movies about marriage (bride wars, rachel getting married, grey's anatomy, even the simpsons where marge and homer had to remarry for the fifth time).

Perhaps one of the most exciting, and somewhat disturbing for me, news is my friend, a girl I met in first year, whom I consoled about her relationships throughout undergrad, has gotten engaged to someone I also know. Not that I'm not excited for her, I'm actually genuinely happy that the guy she went out with in our third year is the one for her and I think they're such a great match, it's just that I feel a little left out that I'm not even close to that step. It's hard to convey this dissonance I have. Whenever I hear about people I know are engaged and getting married, I get this pang of anguish, like, when is it my turn?! At that point, I usually have to remind myself that I don't want to get married yet. And yet every time the pang jolts me, I wonder whether or not I'm lying to myself about not wanting to get married right now.

Countless number of ppl have asked me when's the big day for me and Adam and I keep telling them not any time soon: we are neither in the financial nor in the mental state to become a married couple. So what is bothering me?

The question really boils down to what is marriage and what is so important about getting married? And what is the difference between being in a loving relationship vs. getting married? Here's a list of what the institution of marriage provides for us that a common-law relationship cannot:

• A wedding - a procedure to formally announce, as well as to celebrate, your matrimony to and with you family and friends.
• Security - an assauging contract that states you will have a life-partner whom you can depend on financially or the law will lay its fingers on said partner (until you get a divorce anyway)
• Symbolic proof - a promise to each other that "you are the one" and that you have found someone who will love you unconditionally.
• Stability - knowing that you will never have to be alone again and not having to go out and look for a partner.
  

So here is the part where I get to apply these points to myself.

• Do I want a wedding? Sort of, but not right now. I don't want a big wedding, just like 20 ppl I love being there. And currently I don't have the time, the finance, nor the will to plan a wedding.
  
• Do I need the law to ensure I have emotional and financial stability? No, I hope I never have to depend on a man for financial stability the law cannot make a peron be emotionally supportive. Maybe eventually if I have kids.
• Do I need a symbolic proof from Adam that I am the one? I am NEVER one for symbolic gestures. You can always break your promise.
• Do I want stability in my life? Yes, I do. And therein lies the pang of anguish. I envy the people who are moving into a stable part in the course of life. What getting married means is that they are (or at least should be) financially and emotionally stable enough to be married. It's a stage in life that people will get to eventually. The reality is that there are such things as divorces. Marriage may give the illusion of stability of relationship, but it is not eternal assurance. I envy that they are at the part of their life that is stable but I am clearly not there yet, not until both Adam and I have a job and have found a place to live in which we are both happy. Getting married will not make anything in my life "stable." Thus, the envy is not in the marriage, but in that I feel to be a little bit behind in life, compared to some.

The other day, my mom and I were talking about my future and I told her that I have no intention of getting married. She was quite shocked, worried, and slightly annoyed. For me, I was surprised that it came out of me. Was it a Freudian slip? The truth is, I don't need the stuff the instituion of marriage offers. I wouldn't mind having it eventually, but it's ok as long as I'm with the person I love and that I am leading a life that makes me happy.

Marriage? Doesn't guarantee any of that.