On Life and Death

Adam's parents were in NYC for the week and I was at Adam's house on Thursday doing my work when the phone rang. Adam picked up and I heard panic in his voice and he said in Chinese that I'm coming. When he hung up, I asked him if it was his grandfather, knowing that his dad had been visiting his grandma who has been pretty sick lately. He said yeah and asked me what 不醒人事 means and I told him it means unconscious. He said he had to go check on his grandparents and told me I didn't have to come if I didn't want to. Although I wasn't sure how badly the situation was, I wanted to be there to help so we headed down there. On our way over, we were discussing the situation and I asked him if his grandpa called 911. Adam called his grandpa to ask and he said yes. We drove in traffic for a bit and we got worried again because we didn't know how long it would take us to get downtown during rush hour and his grandma might be in the hospital by then. Adam called his grandpa again and this time, he told Adam that his grandma has gone to heaven.

We were pretty shocked and I told Adam to call his dad, but Adam was calm and said we shouldn't let his dad stress until we know for sure. When we got there, his grandma was lying on the couch, there was only one paramedic personnel and one senior care personnel left in the room. The paramedic told us that by the time they got there, she was already rigid. She had been in the washroom when she fell asleep and never woke up again.

We waited in the room for 30 minutes for the police to show up and ask us questions due to an unexpected death in the house. We waited another hour afterwards for the coroner to come and sign the death warrant so that funeral home can come pick up his grandma.

It was a very traumatizing event, especially for his grandfather. The police had asked us how long they have been married for, and his grandfather, who is 84, thought about it for a bit and said a couple of decades. The police, in response, said something along the lines of maybe it's too long to count. We tried to ask him one more time because we figured our Cantonese is pretty broken and he might not have understood us properly, his grandfather said he has been married since he was 18.

Sixty-six years of marriage.

I was impressed with the way his grandfather handled the whole situation. He was strong, clear, and very well-composed throughout the whole ordeal. When we got there, he was shaking a little and told us exactly what happened in chronological order, we didn't even have to ask questions to clarify what he was saying. I can say with confidence that even a lot of mentally fit 25 year-olds cannot retell an event without confusing another person and repeating himself.

While we were waiting for the officials to arrive, his grandfather seemed perfectly calm and serene and called everyone he knew to let them know what happened. After the coroner left, all of his family in Canada arrived. His grandfather didn't cry and after the funeral home people came, he encouraged everyone to go home. Adam's cousin thinks he's still in shock and needed some time alone to grieve. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose someone you spent everyday with for the last 66 years of your life.

It's funny with life. Even up to your middle-age and you are married and have kids, you still do things on your own. You go to work separately, you come home and eat and do chores independently, and on weekends you may spend time alone with your friends. But at some point in your life, you develop a co-dependence with your significant other and you begin to do everything together as though you are one person. It's an inevitable process that when you get old, you stop craving for independence and your comfort is when you are with your other half. And, yet, it is not sad. It is comforting, romantic, and enchanting. If there is one optimistic thing I took out of this experience, it's that being old isn't bad at all, but a part of the better process of human life.

Adam's grandfather seems like a strong person and has shown for the last two days to be coping with all of this very well. I really hope that he'll be able to fill up the void of his late wife with the comfort of his children and his grandchildren. I admire him very very much.